Dear Ella, Charlie, and Lily,
This letter to you is one to show you that I am not perfect, but I can be perfected through Christ.
I really believed that after watching other parents and teaching in a classroom for so many years that I knew all of the answers about parenting. I knew what it took to be a great mom, and I was promised that I would be a good mother to my children. Of course, like so many other things in my life, I thought that my greatness would just flow naturally. I would have babies, and poof, I would be perfect. Sadly, that is not what happened.
In the three years of being a mother, I feel that there are many times where I have failed at my job. There was a period recently where I felt as though I was losing control of my home and my children. Temper tantrums were rampant, you three were hurting each other: biting, kicking, screaming, pushing, scratching, you name it. When I would tell you to do something, you would disregard my commands until there was a threat attached to it. You wouldn't listen to me unless I used my "angry voice." In an attempt to take control back of my home, I decided to fight fire with fire! I was not going to allow my children to behave this way, so I fought back. I started yelling and spanking in hopes of becoming the boss, the master of my house. My whole life I have been so passive that people have walked all over me. I couldn't be a doormat for my children. You needed discipline! I felt completely justified for my actions. While trying desperately to gain control, I completely lost control..
After a few months of this, I knew that my home was not what I wanted it to be. I wanted to have peace in my home, but I didn't feel as though being soft-spoken would solve the problem, in fact, I was sure it wouldn't. I didn't know what to do, but I knew that what I was doing wasn't working. It was then that I started praying for help. I was reluctant at first because I already knew that yelling and spanking are not the Lord's way. Because I knew that was not what he wanted me to do, I started asking questions like, "What tone of voice should I use to discipline my children? How can I learn to control my anger? What kinds of consequences might be effective to change their behavior?"
I wish I could tell you that immediately after I started praying for help, I stopped my bad behavior, but I didn't. I had to repent every day for losing my cool, but I kept trying to be better every day. Then in October, we had General Conference. Although I didn't hear all of the talks live, I read them later. One of the talks stood out to me as an answer to my prayers. It is titled,
"Be Meek and Lowly of Heart" by Elder Ulisses Soares. As soon as I read it, I knew it was meant for me. He states, "Meekness is the quality of those who are 'Godfearing, righteous, humble, teachable, and patient under suffering.' Those who possess this attribute are willing to follow Jesus Christ, and their temperament is calm, docile, tolerant, and submissive . . . Being meek does not mean weakness, but it does mean behaving with goodness and kindness, showing strength, serenity, healthy self-worth, and self-control . . . Upon acknowledging our dedication and perseverance, the Lord will give us that which we are not able to attain due to our imperfections and human weaknesses." I have read this talk many times over the last few months, and I know that the words in it are true. I can't say that you children obey me all the time, but I can say that I feel like I have more control over myself. My home is a much more peaceful place than it was. I feel better about myself and the kind of mother I am since reaching out to the Lord for help.
I want you to know that I love you three so much. My goal and my desire is to someday be a perfect mother to you. Unfortunately, you have to forgive me while I'm working on that goal. I know that with the help of the Savior, all things are possible. I'm so grateful for our church leaders who are prayerful about what talks to give at General Conference so that I can be inspired to be a better person.
Love always and unconditionally,
Your humbled mom
